Well let’s have a show of hands, who thought I would have survived this long without being deported, getting the wrong flight, going suicidal, “touching” someone in Dubai or hijacking a plane and flying into the middle east?! Well that’s 6 of you, that’s more than I thought.

Somehow on this trip I managed to contain insane, drunk, inappropriate marv for some parts of the trip that were vital; mainly the flights, first night in hostel and job interviews. To be honest I’m surprised I’m still going, I have a history of wimping or quitting things but due to sheer stubbornness inherited from pretty much anyone in my bloodline, I stayed.

I dropped out of university (so did Kayne West, oh bad example!), I didn’t finish my driving test (to be fair, the driving instructor was really handsome and put me off) and failed more diets than Vanessa Feltz & Oprah combined.

So we’re here, we’re queer but don’t get used to it as I’m jetting off to another destination. Time for some relaxation, fun and hopefully fruit picking, which is my new term for pulling in a gay bar.

I’ll give you a summary for the past few 26 weeks (this is for all the lazy readers amongst you). I’m just gonna roll off a list of things, I’ve learnt, shared and explored, be warned I have my opinionated beanie hat on, so another file for Marvin vs Australia case.

Brown bear let’s rip! (sorry that was the burrito I ate last night)

Hostels, flying and other types of journeys

I still refuse to get on any bus in SE Asia, why sweat and scream in terror when you can walk the streets for free sweating and screaming across traffic?!

Most inner city hostels in Australia are shite, avoid Tokyo village if you go to Sydney, think student dorms but run by people who scored viciously low on the SATs and any health and safety regulation exams. (see photo of notice/warning)

Backpackers HQ – No1 Hostel in Australia and for good reason too (see photo below)

I can tell I’m one of the older travellers amongst the hostel as I make conversation with the managers not my fellow travellers. Mainly cos I can get a free beer from a traveller or I can get discount, more free wi-fi time and extra rice krispies from management (get smart not drunk!)

Vietnam and Thailand in my experience have the best hostels, food, room and drinks for less than £15 a day (KERR-CHING!!)

Emirates is the best airline ever, they deserve the accolades.

Tiger airlines is the worst but nowhere near Ryanair “standards” where I’m sure they will charge you for unbuckling your own belt soon, think the trolleys of Asda and you’re spot on.

Tuk-Tuks are just little machine of mystery and imminent death, however try to find one that is pink and has “music” blaring out of it in Kao Shan Road, you’ll love the little guy who drives it.

Sydney has the best trains ever, double deck, full of hotties and you always get a sit although I work in an office so my butt really doesn’t need that rest, especially when I’m clenching when a Chris Hemsworth look a like “squeezes” pass me. However the network is ok but it’s by far the cheapest, a single ticket from Sydney to Newcastle is $12, a train from Manchester to Newcastle is called a megabus or car pool.

For you health and competitive freaks out there see if you can power walk from Richmond to St Kilda in Melbourne and see if you can beat the tram there, you might be surprised…….

Aussies drive on the left (yay) but have road systems similar to singapore and america (boo!)

Office life – London vs Sydney

Unsurprisingly Sydney wins on all levels, after working at a place in Sydney for 5
months and a place in London for 5 years, I find the office life so much more
satisfying:
I’ve been in my position for 5 months and I’ve already been on a billboard, handed
three secret Santa presents, a Nerf gun, a flying angry bird toy, popcorn maker, one
of those 80s office pendulum toy things, better salary, a funny team, a boss who is so
laid back I sometimes think he’s still recovering from an amnesia spell, had
colleagues laugh with me & at me and more Friday afternoon drinks then Socialite party celebrating a new feminine product. At my old place my boss barely raised his head from online pool to even say Iwas going and good luck!

One significant difference is when you are dressed up in a suit, it’s actually
beneficial in London due to weather and social etiquette. Whereas Sydney its
torture, even when it rains you are perplexed, as you’re not sure if it’s sweat or rain
on your brow.

Although I spent 31% (maybe 44%) of my time on YouTube looking up SNL sketches and
Eternal songs, I didn’t get penalised for it. Unlike my last place, where I got told off in
front of the whole team and then saw my “boss”, head to his desk to continue his
online pool game……ACHEM!

My job starts at 8:30am apparently, I learnt this on my last day even though
everyone seemed to roll in at 9 and not really start until 10. London rules – even if
you’ve got stuck on a train, helped an old lady with her prosthetic leg and saved a
little girl’s life from a boy racer car crash; if you are 5 minutes late from lunch, you will be
scorned!

Aussie men in suits are basically the rejects from Hugo boss advertising campaign
for being too sexy!

In the Sydney offices in my experience No one picks on a particular person like its secondary school, you go in, get a funny link from your HOD, do your work and life goes on and you look forward to Friday afternoon drinks.

General Sh*t!

Everything is expensive in Sydney, everything is expensive in London! Life is
expensive! Just earn as much as you can, so when you buy that can of coke, you
don’t feel like an idiot for kicking up a fuss with the shop keeper on how it’s 300%
more expensive then your last home.

Britain has the ugliest politicians, even Tony Abbott looks like Prince Eric from The
little Mermaid compared to Tony Blair and Sleaze Cameron!

If you turn Australia upside its somewhat resembles the shape of North America.

Banana Beard, Messina & Oporto chicken have made me fat…ter!

Triple J beats most commercial radio stations

I’ve met more celebrities here than I have in London, bizarre! Cam from Modern
Family, the Hines women and Captain Smiley from season 2 episode 3 of Downton
Abbey.Beats Jessica from Liberty X & Brian Dowling at the moment.

Personal Stuff

I’m not very good with operating with washing machines, no matter how simplistic
the instructions are, besides isn’t that female work!?!…….(and let the letters of
complaint roll in)

I’m useless at coming up with general conversation, ask me about a subject,
ill talk for ages or give “witty” snarky comments. However ask me to think of a
subject and I draw a blankety blank!

I now know my own self worth, self esteem has gone from low to “coked up d-list
celebrity at the Ivy” status.

I personally find Sydney pretentious, I can’t explain it, there’s something almost too
stepford wives wholesome about the place. But I’m a dark twisted social misfit so
it’s probably the Disneyland of cities!

I’m fully admit I’m one of life’s outsiders, you’ll never see me in the majority,
minority or leaders but you will see me on the side lines criticising and laughing at
the social stereotyping and irony like I’m Daria (great MTV series)

I am completely useless with money

I find myself being my own worst enemy when it comes to flirting. Why go up to the
guy that’s clearly giving me the sexy rape eye when I can flirt awkwardly with the
female social delinquent.

Why have an easy life when you can pretend you are on Sunset Beach?!
I still don’t see myself looking at staying here past July 2014, for two reasons, it’s
not home still and it’s Smother’s XXth birthday, I can’t miss that apparently.

I moved from one gloomy exciting city to an exciting city which I viewed in gloomy
grey-tinted glasses.

I have the worst gaydar ever, even if Julian Clary came up to me while singing
songs from Cabaret and simultaneously licking Alan Carr’s nipple, I’d still have no
clue.

I love hearing people and their stories , however not always good at listening,
especially after a few Chardonnays. ( the h is silent people)

I knew I’d end up recreating my London life in Sydney but I enjoyed it but I spent
more money on things to show I’ve not really achieved anything really, other than
friends, good memories to last me until the dementia kicks in. And MESSINA!

I miss watching showgirls after a night out as it calms me down and says ANYONE, can go into acting or screenplay writing.

No matter how much I fight my inner shallow instincts I still like a pretty face, its in
our DNA to select friends and lovers based on familiar attributes and general
attraction. I really don’t have any ugly friends – poor, chunky, borderline
alcoholic,drug smuggling but not ugly!

According to my uncle’s friends, I’m turning into my uncle, who is a copy of my dad
but I’m not like my dad apparently, but my sister is but I’m like my sister!?!? work
that one out…….

I think grey hair is distinguished, who doesn’t like salt and pepper? (can hear the
music, pump it hard.. AAHH PUSH IT!sorry went a bit old skool there)

Eternal need to make a proper full return to the music scene!

I’m not a fan of French travellers I’ve met so far, unless they’re gay. At least when a
gay French puff is snobby to you, you kinda expect it! However when a French
straight couple who have been having sex in your shared room and look at you in
disgust like you’re the one that woke everyone at 3:12am with your moaning!!

However after this experience, I doubt I’ll go back to living in London again…

I hate reality tv series, I don’t want to watch loads of rich people making Moët and
Versace look ironically cheap, Real Housewives is just a few big houses and spray
tans away from being Jersey Shore….. just putting it out there!

Ive realised I’ve rambled on about nonsense stuff for the last few points but that’s
the product of replicating your old life in a new city. More fun stories and situations
to follow after 3rd March. Anyway I think I cleared out pandora’s jewellery box of
thought gems and crap pearls, time to prepare for part 2 of Marvin aka Brown Bear’s
totally excellent bogus adventure to North East Australia. (now refer to the “Enter Queensland blog entry and recite the prayer)