Welcome back beautiful readers, especially you in the back, yes you! Nice top!
Now that I’ve dispelled my demons and had a rejuvenating holiday in Morocco it’s time to get back into the swing of things, yet go back to basics.I’ve tussled in Thailand, shagged in Sydney and Wiggled in Whistler, HOWEVER there’s a very glaring part of the world I have nelgected … the UK! Yes folks, the place I hail from. Been to Scotland many a time, Wales I only did 3 years ago and that leaves one other place… Northern Mutha ducking Ireland! The UK puzzle is now complete. #Belfast
As you’ve come to notice, I’m generally a lone wolf when it comes to travelling, only had YAK with me as it felt like a contract obligation but now I’m a free agent, things may be a bit different around here. I’ve decided I need to travel with friends more often and I’m going to introduce you to the new member, French Fancy. Correct I’m not giving his name as confidentiality is key and I don’t want him pestered, everyone say hi!
Bit of background on the French Fancy (FF for short), he’s from somewhere in Europe…. Oh sorry Excuse me there’s a mystified imaginary man at the door…
Editor.. Ummmm Marvy you called him French Fancy, he’s gonna be from one place OBVIOUSLY.
Uh Exsqueeze me! He may not be, could be Switzerland, Luxembourg or Belgium but identify from France you don’t know, who says he’s even a man anyway
UMMMMM from that picture he’s clearly a dude
SHUT UP, why do I keep writing you in……bitch!
You CLEARLY need someone to make you fun, sane and provide good Segways while you think and type!
ANYHOO, FF is a cool dude, we have similar backstories with relationships and nerdy culture, plus he puts up with me so why not whisk him away to Belfast.
Marv and Remy vid needs to go here, embedded from YouTube ideally.
Booking & Accom
Since the dawn of travel excursions we need to start with research and booking, Be careful which airport you fly into they Have 2 airports, CITY or INTERNATIONAL, you will need to pay quite a bit in taxis for the intentional site as it’s miles from the city, however the pricing at the time still worked out to be cheaper than flying into the city airport, take this option if you’re a mega fancy pants McRich (insert SpongebobsnottyDriver.gif here)
Normally I don’t self congratulate myself, (I usually get someone on Grindr to do it for me), but I managed to get a bargain Air BnB a couple of weeks before we flew out. I can’t leave a link but check the Eastside , we got a fantastic 2 bed terrace for £121 for 2 nights, no deposit required but have a deposit ready just in case. The landlord was super kind and had the best voice ever, I was hoping he’d say “deposit” just one more time…The period house was nice but we noticed some snagging and teething problems , like an one night stand with Theresa May. You will be 10-15 mins drive from the city centre but it’s kind of worth it to see the local memorials that are related to the history or Northern Ireland, Titanic, IRA, Feuds with British etc.
Since we’ve come in November, shut up yes I know I’m writing this blog in January, I’ve been busy eating my body in Xmas Food and trying to lose it with Just Dance 2020 and decorating.
It’s wet, cold and Relentlessly brisk, again like an one night stand with Theresa May, and unlike a certain FF, bring a coat! This is the place where IRA resides and Game of Thrones is filmed, you’ll need more than a padded gilet and prayer to keep you warm.
Our First night was interesting, we managed to locate the massive Tesco’s nearby, we discovered the wi-fi in the house was terrible and that my lovely FF is trying to kill me with kindness by buying heaps of sugary treats. LOL the type 2 diabetic in me just rolled over and passed out
Before we get into the tourist tales, I have to mention something, whoever is near my mum please snatch her glasses off or throw tippex on the screen. We need to discuss the REAL reason the “English” chased the Irish out of England….. Penis Envy. Good lord, checking the dating apps how Ireland is not the new Lost City of Atlantis from the weight of extra dong these guys have is incredible. I swear some of the pics I was receiving made my phone heavier. I think FF decided to move to northern Ireland judging by the phantom lockjaw he had.
Note: I had photos to upload myself but they are mostly of FF’s impressive bulge and anything phallic, I was on it that weekend, OH HONEY!!
Tourist Sh!t
Everyone grab a piece of fruit, your best scarf and a sense of adventure, we are going SIGHTSEEING (YAY balloons and streamers explode dramatically) First stop was Titanic Museum (https://www.titanicbelfast.com), Entry was 19 euros, there wasn’t really any online discount, if anything it’s cheaper to get at the box office as there’s no 1 euro transaction fee, just saved you King Size Snickers there, don’t mention it 🙂
This place is so extravagant and proudly decorated in historical significance of this Ship and the manufacturing that you can feel the heat and hardwork of the workers, mainly because of the heater by my ankles and the worker silhouette videos. I would highly recommend coming here to absorb the social impact and magnitude of this event, we learnt so much regarding the construction, management, the surprising racial divresity of passengers /labour, survivors’ accounts and the ripple effect had on the country and it’s economy. However Saying that if you’re anything like me, you’ll half arsedly read the statements and go straight to the crane game, even pushing a kid out of the way. “Oi Sticky fingers, DO ONE!! I need to get the Iron Grids to G3 section. HOORAY I’m LEARNED”
With your ticket you also get the chance to board the SS Normadic, the boat to carry the 1st & 2nd class passengers, because rich gits don’t have enough boats. Again ignore the educational properties and head to the changing apparatus, any Titus fans, this is your chance to wear a cape with glitzy/ musty blouse and perform Peeno Nior in front of some confused children “Oi sticky fingers, don’t get in the way of my devastating twirl, Caviar, Myanmar, mid-sized car, You don’t have to be popular PPPEEEENNNNOOOOOO NOOOIIRRRRR”
Also took some pics of FF on the poopdeck, while he’s glued to his Grindr, just because he wants to get sticky later with some seamen hehe. we venture to the next stop, Botanical Gardens!
By the way, download the uber app, you’re gonna need it, there’s trains and buses but I don’t remember seeing too many (Editor Note: Maybe because you were pretending you were Posh Spice in Uber every 5 mins).
We whizz over to Botanical Gardens but chauffeured by the most informative uber driver ever, every street, building, district had a story and a joke. He was even telling us about his wife who is protestant and he’s catholic and there’s rift in the area they live and no one likes the English, thankfully Frenchy and Blacky are none the wiser to these English pigs.
I almost forgot, like with the Morocco trip, I decided to pick somewhere to challenge my lifestyle, NI is notorious for being behind the rest of the UK for gay rights and because of the religious aspect its even more frowned upon but they have bars. I completely forgot this aspect and gave away the fact we may head to the “gay” area , I was then stared down and nudged by FF….. Ummmm I hate to say it but we’re 2 well dressed, single, immaculately shaped bearded men who talk with their hands heading to the botanical gardens, I think the straight illusion was shattered while we were getting moist listening to taxi driver’s deep Irish tones.
After we have an intense history lecture and randomly given Belfast Fridge Magnets, truly amazing Uber ride, we arrive in south central where the big 3 are located:
https://www.nmni.com/our-museums/ulster-museum/Home.aspx Ulster Museum
https://discovernorthernireland.com/Belfast-Botanic-Gardens-and-Palm-House-Belfast-P2787/ – Botanical Gardens
http://www.qub.ac.uk – Queen’s University Belfast (Fun Fact Liam Neeson & Annie Mac attended this uni)
These are all free and great for you budding photographer and freebie loving tourists.
If you’re in the mood for overindulgent cafe/traditional grub head to https://maggiemaysbelfastcafe.co.uk , seriously this meal set us up for the rest of the day
You can also do the Game of Thrones (Westeros) and Giant Causeway tours from here but they are a bit costly so keep your eyes peeled on Groupon for 241 deals. Note please don’t peel your eyes.
We’re Going Out OUT!
Anyway, we are pretty much near the end of the blog, we did actually go out to the gay bars and I’ll be honest be careful where you get the uber to drop you off.
I can recommend the Maverick, Boombox and Union St, however if you’re homosexual prepare to be stared out and in our case stalked, we’re fresh meat, even had to pretend to be drunk to hide from some leering guys…. Curse my beauty!!
By the way, The Belfast gay scene is RIDICULOUS, how can there be this many handsome, big handed, cheeky grinned, sex gods in one area and they are single!!
There’s the main club, Kremlin which is advertised as a gay friendly place but it’s basically ladies’ night there. I somehow managed to befriend a group of girls with my crazy dance moves, get a man kicked out of the club and lose my wallet, so it seems like I’m back to my normal self. When I regain my memories of the night I’ll give more deets 🙂 All I can say is that We got home safely…we may or may not have tempted by the apps 🤪
Thanks for reading and like to say all photos in this blog were provided by FF himself, please follow him on instagram and nudge him to do more photos & artwork, we need more talent on show, monsieur! @remyandthepug
