So what’s the best thing to do to ease myself into travelling, reducing potential stress and generally feeling at ease? Shall I pick a simplistic venture in a relaxing super safe environment?
NOPE let’s book a solo trip to Agadir, Morocco, a humid blood pressure raising country that has anti homo laws and mostly Arabic and French speaking while moving between 2 hotels that are miles apart with very few transport options….. FFS brain, you fell at the first hurdle, I’m giving you a brain freeze on low sugar, low fun frozen yoghurt, with no sprinkles!
Regarding the gay life aspect of Morocco and most of North African countries with a multitude of religious aspects, will come with a heavy caution. You as a non-african, you can not be prosecuted for being gay however there’s no sense of justice if you threatened or hurt being LGBTQ. Just be careful what you do, say, wear or interactive with. Even gay popular dating sites/ apps come with disclaimers about hook ups/meetings, which was touching to say the least. Be sure to check your local government /foreign travel site before ofe venturing to middle east, asia and Africa ( https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice)
To anyone worried about me being in “gay is illegal” country, I’ve taken the following precautions:
- Deepens voice
- Not asked anyone for directions when lost
- Used any line from IT crowd regarding football
- Unnecessarily staring at all cleavage at all times
As ever I need to blow your mind with something, I work for a large travel company and never really booked anything through them but… come closer, listen to this. If you book with Expedia you can pay instalments via Klarna, isn’t that amazing? Oh you knew, hey, where you goin’? come back ! *shouts from across you the hall* I have a nude pic of Chris Evans on my phone will the peak your interest.
Ok, no more booking talk, but I was astonished but I’m one of those people astonished by animal shaped clouds and frozen yoghurt.
Reader, if you ever watched the Expat sketches by French & Saunders, ever wondered if they are just being offensive…
Well worry not dear reader, the bizarre accusations are kinda true if you come from the “western world”. The passport control, I felt myself aging as there was only 3 guards and they all looked at your passports like it was a copy of advanced aerospace engineering and your face was environmental law, perplexed scowling to say the least.
However this is Morocco and they already test your nerve along with your penchant for homosexual flirting, yes why not have a soukulent (yes I love this pun more than you realise) custom officer, staring you up and down and you’re dripping 2 types of sweat already.
Word of advice have passport, job title and hotel details as they will request these, I request they have someone less sexy in the booth as I’m diligently fighting all my natural instincts to flirt, imagine this scenario:
Officer: HAND PASSPORT OVER NOW
Me: oh here you go big man *winks bizarrely* (officer notices) *pretends to bat mosquito away*
Officer: JOB TITLE
Me: uh ummmm, Office Clown and Bike
OFFICER: ARE YOU HERE FOR BUSINESS OR PLEASURE
ME: Well I don’t normally charge, but pleasure only
OFFICER: WHERE YOU STAYING:
Me: Wherever your postcode is *unzips hoody*
*Officer stands up, shoots me in the face*
ME:aarrrrgggghhhhhh, at least I got banged in the face
#TheThirstisReal #MoroccanHeat #BangBangMyBabyShotMeDown
Agadir
Booked a shuttle service (https://www.shuttledirect.com/en/) it was no more than £8 (as of Sept 2019) and I’m down with being helped and help others, but I know when I’m being hustled. Ugh Exsqueeze me “hobbling” old man , no you can’t have change for walking my suitcase jaggedly across a smooth road
“Sir, you have change, tip, I take euro”
“Sorry I only have a credit card unless I can swipe your armpit”
Me and my sexy euro and Moroccan Dirham change are gonna sexily stride past you as I awkwardly try to get into a mini van in these sweaty jeans while making sure my change doesn’t jingle & I don’t fall into a German tourist’s lap! Hopefully not male, I don’t want to be aroused and then arrested.
Note – Moroccan Dirham (i call it Durham) can only be purchased in the country and you can arrive /leave with 100 euros worth. Not much point preordering. I also advice getting a monzu card as it works like a debit and credit card and the app is brilliant (Monzu can i get my sponsorship money now)
Since I’m back to holiday reporting, I thought it be best to do a bi-vacation stay, so the first of our places will be Timoulay Hotel (https://www.timoulayhotel.com/en/) which is a beautiful 4 star hotel, it’s roughly 4 mins walk to the beach and 10 mins from the main tourist strip.
In concern to the terrain of Agadir, the city was hit by an extreme Earthquake in 1960, so some areas are still rebuilding and roads/ streets are uneven so be careful walking in flip flops (which I still detest). Normally I would advocate going off the beaten track to marvel at other areas but all you’ll get is more beaten track, maybe some shady glances.
After a tumultuous year, I feel the need to splurge and divulge, what better way then to use company discount and go for a premium double bedroom which is basically a room with a large double bed and far too much room leftover so I basically turned it into a dance & yoga studio.
The resort is small in comparison to near by ones, but this is more catered to adult only, there was one family there but I pushed one of the kids in the pool, as a warning, then I woke up…. In the father’s bed. Then I was arrested. End of Blog
I didn’t get a chance to use the spa faculties as I’m beautiful ad soukulent already. They looked like reasonable prices & good range of treatments and the hotel does special offer packages, so check at the time of booking.
However I did use the gym to maximum effect, which is code for use the multi-purpose station until hurt my arm, drank from the water fountain, sent 4.5 mins on the treadmill and look at my belly in the mirrors for 20 mins, typical gym routine.
Oh honey, oh Honey, oh HONEY…AAAHHHHHH, the buffet no matter what the time was gorgeous, everything was nicely prepared, moroccan flavours to traditional dishes all within elegant surroundings and premium service. Even on my first night, smiley gentlemen got me olives and wine before I even said I wanted wine and olives 🙂
Actually I have to point something out, with the no homo laws, there’s this cruel irony in having some of the hunkiest friendliest men supplying you drink and being suggestive, repression is a mean mistress.
As this is a beach holiday, I cannot not mention the illustrious beach, all the S’s as far as my short sighted vision can see. There’s small pockets of market stalls/restaurants darted around the place but prepare to eat in your own resort a bit as there’s not really a promenade/ seafront and prices are similar to hotels if I’m honest. I can recommend Pirate’s Pub, the waiter was friendly, the food was fantastic and affordable and I got a jug a beer that was bigger than my head. I did run into some trouble when I went to another eatery nearby called Place Bleue. For some unknown reason I was rushed in and out of the place while other clients were allowed to eat peacefully and it wasn’t even busy. I’m not sure if it was a closing early thing or race/sexuality thing but the food and service were not the best so thumbs down, and then thumbs u their arses for being rude!
For activities you have a wide range of things to do, there’s all the beach sports, guided souk tours, desert camel rides. None of these I could do thanks to cardiac stuff and I don’t want my last words to be “No leave me here I paid for the trip, I’m gonna get my money’s worth even if it kills me”
One venture I may have to discourage you going on is the paradise valley half day trips, according to the German couple I befriended and not by choice (whose uncle works at Nintendo) said the place looked ok but it was basically one long puddle amongst pretty trees. You might as well go to Souss Park / Souss-Massa National park and carefully take a pic high up and get the sea in the background for the same effect. Cheaper, easier and near the resort area, just because I can’t do as much doesn’t mean I can’t come up with tight ass ideas #moneysupermarket
For you budding photographers and bargain hunters, you have to check out La Nouvelle Medina (https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/Attraction_Review-g293731-d2248700-Reviews-La_Nouvelle_Medina_Polizzi-Agadir_Souss_Massa_Draa_Region.html) . It’s an old town market place with cafe, some markets but loads of photo opportunities it was around £4/ 4.50 euros to get in but kinda worth it. However I was promised it would be be busier but I went on a Tuesday in October and doesn’t matter where you are in the world, nothing f**king happens on a Tuesday! So a bit dead.
Confession Time, I’m the worst gay shopper, there’s 3 things I hate doing:
- Being Hassled/Hustled
- Bargaining With Idiots
- Shopping
Oh Honey, I could not wait to go to the Souk Al Ahad, I literally walked 45 mins to check it out…. 8 mins later, I needed a battering ram, alcoholic water and a lie down! It’s great if you love the above if you don’t, don’t bother, we have Lidl now, we’re good.
TAXIS!! Good lord what a mind field, again I’m a man of “go walk around, explore its fun” FUCK OFF Morocco is the king of dry wasteland, motorways and bugger all in between, occasionally you’ll go past a government building and have security guards shooing you away because you seen a small family of cats or a handsome guard you wanna take a picture of, other than that nothing!
You have 2 types of taxis, ones that get you round the city these are normally white/yellow/green and you will feel like you are in death race 3000 with lack of seatbelt and heightened sense of danger. Or there’s the long distance which is basically to another town or the airport, there’s nothing in-between and you need to make sure you go in the right one. I found this out when I was trying to get to the next hotel and I was passed around from taxi to taxi even though I gave clear instructions on where I was going….
Well would you look at that, a Segway into the next hotel
Dar Maktoub (https://darmaktoub.com) ,this magnificent place is a certified 3 star place but actually 5 star I swear. The only thing that might bump the stars down is the fact the Italian lady owner scares you with all her friendliness, seriously I turn a corner and she’ll be there with a smile and mint tea ready for you…spooky!
You’ll feel right at home, everything is just so comfy and designer and they are so attentive, it’s like staying at that one rich friend’s complex but you would feel bad for nicking a few towels.
Everything about this place makes me feel far too mature.
Should be discussing with other distinguished travellers which Curtis Stigers album they adore the most & which Conran season i recently replaced in the 2nd front room …..
It is situated quite far from the main tour trap so if you’re keen for quiet, having tranquil forest/beach views and a massacist for chillaxing, this is your place. Deffo not for kids or party animals, you will get an ASBO and no mint tea!!
However saying that I’m not one for social grace and breakfast etiquette, for me being dignified is eating the hash brown in the wrapper and making sure my breathe doesn’t smell of cock before ordering.
We were also sat a certain place and you could clearly see my spot which was table for 1 and it was NEVER in the corner , like smack bang in the middle of the dining room ,might as well had a violinist by my bread basket. To make it more butt clinching embarrassing EVERYONE spoke French or German, My grade C is gonna have carry me far these last 4 days!
Clearly, I missed today’s breakfast meeting memo:
BONJOUR! Ca va?!
Everyone must be in couples, speak French, LOUDLY TOO!
All men, must be 50+, have grey beards and dress like they own a boat (a remote controlled toy one), show as much nobbly knee as possible!
All ladies must have frizzy hair, loosely tied up in white hair band, must be dressed in easy slip on shoes and zip up back dress/blouse. The theme is “worldly women and clanging trinkets”
Please, speak loudly and quickly to the confused looking negro in the corner, who’s eating everyone’s helping of pancakes….
bonne journée!
Seriously any French i know is from GCSE, any rude words I learnt and anything said in that episode of AbFab where they stay at the chateau.
And i can’t exactly shout “oi peanuts, peanuts… FRENCH BITCH” at the breakfast buffet
I’m glad this is my final destination as I felt relaxed and grateful, the resort complex was beautiful and it was a hidden gem, I can’t recommend this place any more if I tried. Ummmmm why are you not booking it now, I can see you!!
Until next time luvvas, stay smart, stay safe, stay awesome 🙂
