Sorry and sorry, the first sorry is that it’s been such a long break between blogs because I’ve not been travelling and dealing with some personal issues, the second sorry is because this blog way longer than expected as I spent 80% of it doing my bad Irish accent to every paragraph I wrote, this would have been done by St Paddy day but, hey, what can you do?!?!
Editor – Write the damn blog and stop arsing around (yes I said that in an Irish accent), now get to work!!
I have been waiting to say this particular joke for 5 years, ever since I arrived in #Seattle but here goes
Sleepless in Seattle
Drunk in #Dublin
Hungover in Hulme
Yes, the ultimate trilogy, and yes I’ve done the action and location, high five with willies all round woo hoo!!! NAILED IT!
You’re gonna have to bare with me as I’m still reeling from the copious amounts of alcohol and awesomeness that is IRELAND. I’ve been around the world (and I can’t find my baby.. Oh Lisa Stansfield you’re a terrible mother/lover) and behold less than 45 mins flight is the Emerald Island which should be classed as pure platinum, it’s that glorious.
Bizarrely for years I have had this notion that UK & Ireland is all the same stuff you get in most places, trees, tall buildings, Starbucks, whatever, you can get it anywhere. However never could I fathom that a change in location with different atmosphere, people and vibe could be so enriching and dare I say life changing!
I’ve got no bad words for my entire visit other than the progressive ascending use of profanity I need to use to climatise my new vocabulary to my Irish spirit, let’s call him Marvin O’Malley.
I’m gonna have to confess, this blog website was meant to be a detailed, humorous narrative in sightseeing, eateries, view points and general tourism. As the blog unfolds I’m starting to realise I’m genuinely just taking about my holidays and shenanigans as the more I take breaks from the work grind, the less activities I do.
And for this I’m truly sorry, I will try and do better…. BUT not now suckers, as we’re in mutha fucking IRELAND, it’s booze, buds and bedlam this weekend. Damn the consequences, the budget and my type 2 diabetes, we are going ALL IN!! BOOYAH!
As ever my journey starts with the actual travel part, and I got a small tip from the perky customer service rep from Virgin in Manchester, if you’er heading to Manchester airport, you don’t need to buy an open return, the cost of a non transpennine train is £3 for off peak Single which is cheaper than the £8 open return, so just a £2 saving but you’ll think this is trivial …. Wait until you sample Dublin’s prices. Whatever your budget for this trip, just double it, friendly warning.
I fly with Ryanair, I have no complaints, no troubles and no stories, the flight was 45 mins long and the most excitement I had ,was getting my characters in Xenoblade Chronicles 2 to level 55 and watching several hunky drunk men being rowdy, I live in Manchester so this is expected.
Prior to this trip, I have several friends from this country and I’m seeing 2 of them on this trip, however I completely forget that these 2 people are pure sunshine in bras, and you know what they sums up the ethos and culture of Ireland, just sunshine charms in bras, or pants, or both, it’s 2019 don’t discriminate . Now please bare this in mind the security check and passport control in UK in rigid, cold and corporal, skip to Ireland and it’s warming, cheeky and relaxed, holy crap I’m flying through here every time! If I have contraband on me, I can be sure to hop, skip and jump through security and at best get a judgemental eye beatdown. Jeez guys set aside the Irish charm and shout RESPECT MY AUTHORITY, alas that won’t work as they have cute faces and gleaming eyes.
Here we are Dublin Airport and let me just get this off my chest, Ireland has a logic that defies all reason and sanity. It’s known as Irish Logic, repeat after me in kids in classroom sound effect IRISH LOGIC.
I’m gonna spare you the long ass story with me trying to coach station 16 despite enquiring with multiple customer advisors and drivers and find out I’ve been standing in the gangway for coach stops 12-13 even though there were no clear signs saying where the stops were or a map of the depot….. the bright side of this tale is that Irish charm overrides, not only did I meet an adorable older pixie featured woman who I instantly said “i don’t know where my hotel is, can I stay with you?” And I forget I’m not in London so the repose to that would be “NO FUCK OFF PERV” and mace to the face!! However her reaction and I think is the best anyone should reply with “yeah sure, but you’ll need to provide entertainment and make cups of tea” as the French would mutter BARGIN POUBELLE!!! And since the Irish charm has whisked me away along with the 2 double whiskeys I had at the airport, I’m now full on Janet from The Good Place, whatever you want I can get, man who cannot find his bus stop, BAM, there’s the directions, sweet lady whose battery died while trying to ring her friend, BOOM, here’s my phone use it while we are on the bus and I’ll even correct your settings and lend you my rechargeable battery. Bus driver, here’s the full payment and ZAP, I dropped 2 euros in your driver section, that’s your tip, you’re most welcome. Finger guns and black man nod! Happy Go Lucky Charm Marv has arrived 🙂
My first Hotel is Red Cow Moran Hotel (www.redcowmoranhotel.com) don’t let the name fool you, this is 4star snazzy business class boutique chic. HOWEVER it’s a few miles out of the main town and IRISH LOGIC got me lost trying to find a hotel which was 10 mins from the bus stop. (Note bus from airport is 7 euros and stops at red cow / shopping district).For some ungodly reason the sign for the hotel is pointed for the Ibis but when you get off the bus you need to basically follow the tram under the bridge to get to the hotel if you are a cheap ass like me. Otherwise enjoy your 40 euro airport taxi ride Scoorge McDuck.
Everyone gather round and hold hands…
As a newly renowned catholic, we need to pray and say our graces for this mutha fucking breakfast buffet. I pray dear reader you bless this hotel with your presence and extra moolah for the best breakfast you’ll have to serve yourself in a glitzy sharp restaurant. It’s like a super clean Miller and Carter with gossiping Irish ladies, it’s spectacular.
Anyhoo, despite me being in “Dublin” I’ve not actually stepped int he centre, so let’s rectify that, BEEP BEEP oh crap here comes Toni!!! (i joke if she’s reading). We are off to Galway
Intermission
Fancy some stones with inspirational quotes? Like handcrafted good? Love affordable art? Then I’m gonna have to introduce you to my friend Toni, she’s a hippy dippy London bird with beautiful eye for crafts. Please check her out on FB (Made with Love..and a Little Magic)
END OF INTERMISSION / PLUGGING FRIEND’S SHIT
Pot of Written Gold
My main tip for heading to Ireland is to hire a car/ van as you are gonna need it , there’s 4 million in Ireland and most of them are in the gutter in Dublin. Galway is around 2 hours from Dublin and its around 3 hours if you get stuck in the car with Toni and she talks about cows milk and 4 hours if you ask me about my Ex and dogs!
Galway is an attractive ye old town with an alluring presence, you’ll want to go down every street and explore until you need a drink, then do some more, a get another drink, repeat rinse until battered.
This is where I meet my other friend Orlatha who by far is the BEST tour guide in Galway, her personality are nearly as big as her boobs!
“Marv you wanna see the cathedral? (points at cathedral in distance), there you go!”
DONE none of this faffing around there’s booze to consume.
I can recommend 2 places to drink
- The Quays in the latin quarter in the centre of the city, massive gothic pub with a heart warming atmosphere and superb food
- The King’s Head – a smaller historic pub where they will tell you the correct way to say Smithwicks , believe me it’s important.
There’s also a small port/marina here and beach close by so bring your shorts and Guinness, (and bra if you’re a lady, or not it’s Ireland who cares go nuts!)
Dublin your alcohol limit
Dublin here we come! Get your best green outfit and your white slingbacks on, WE’RE GOING OUT!!
This city is awesome, my friend said it was very European City and I can see why, the bridges remind your of Brussels, the architecture is reminiscent of UK, dutch and Mediterranean suburbs, remember Irish people have built like 55% of the western world and if you find a street without a pub on it, you are clearly not in Dublin. GET OUT IT’S THE TWILIGHT ZONE!!
No matter what you are looking for in terms of activities and entertainment head to the temple bar area and let the liquor and crowds guide you. Please for the love of Jebsus get a selfie with a leprechaun and a Guinness while you are there.
May I just add happy go lucky charm Marv is straight af in Dublin! A couple of times someone asked me how long I was going out with my friend Toni, she’s hot but let’s not kid ourselves, I want sausage not roll.
So let’s rectify that and paint the town pink, you just need to head to Pantibar, The George and Street 66, expect wall to wall gay stuff it’s like gay bars 15 years ago! Another side note, I have to say I didn’t hook up with anyone but I have a gallery of Irish man bits to drool over from checking out Grindr. Everyone is hung I’m surprised the Island hasn’t sunk under the weight of all the cock! My friend Thom told me the Irish and Blacks get this as repayment for the cruelty of the English.
OMG another side note, if you think the grammar and punctuation is weird in Ireland it’s because it was forced upon them by the English, so sentences will sound weird, don’t correct them just get on your knees and pray/worship whatever is dangling in your face. Seriously England you suck!
The following day I went on the Guinness tour and you have to do this, HAVE TO! I don’t care if you don’t like alcohol and fun its a necessity https://www.guinness-storehouse.com/en .
I would suggest going really early (before 11) or late in the afternoon (after 4), I know there’s someone whinging about drinking before 11, just slap them with a piece of ham, who cares IT’S IRELAND!!
It’s self guided but it’s so well crafted, polsihed and elaborate you’ll be in awe of this place. I learnt so much but was so impressed in how much thought and care was put into the decor and educational tools. There’s a sky bar so you get a 360 degree look at the city. I randomly met my old work friend here but we couldn’t see shit as it was crowded and cloudy but still impressive, try to avoid coming here at the weekend. Also treat yourself to a taxi it’s 11 euros from temple bar. So keep that drinking buzz going. There’s also witchcraft at this place you pay 18 euros for entry and 6 euros to have your selfie put on a Guinness, the woman are the bar showed me and I was still like Judge Frollo in Hunchback of Notre Dame “WITCHCRAFT”
I tried my hardest to get the video on the site but clearly there’s IRISH MAGIC afoot and it’s not appearing my album, so here;s the link to my instagram video post – https://www.instagram.com/p/BvlfI4NFjL2/?utm_source=ig_web_options_share_sheet (or it’s IRISH LOGIC and i’ve saved the video in an album that has no relevance)
Word of warning you will buy stuff in the gift shop, this is the only gift shop in the world where you have to purchase something, you have that much Guinness in your system, your sensibilities and budget are at the bottom of the pint.
Now here’s where I learnt something, I am no longer going to stay at airport hotels on the last day, I stayed at The Dublin Airport Manor Hotel (https://www.thekeycollections.com/dublin-airport-manor.html) to save time & money on travel…. ER UH, big massive red cross, the money I wasted on getting to this place and having a more basic surrounding was aimless, just spend the extra couple of euros in your fancy hotel and just leave early. Again IRISH LOGIC played a huge part in this, if something is 1 mile away it’s actually 3 because the road layer was drunk that day and decided to build a gran turisimo track instead of a straight road. So spent more getting to and out of the place, I’m clearly one of them now…..
However to dampen the blow of my financial idiocy, the receptionist was a hunky Asian Dean Cain version of Clark Kent type so you win this round manor hotel… and the cute Irish bartender at the airport bar, who I did my “super manly, new person must adhere to dominance” voice and after he cracked a joke I did my princess peach laugh while showing my Mario rupual drag race t-shirt…. CLASSY!
I’m not sure of it’s the nostalgic euphoria of seeing old friends, the body weight in alcohol coursing through my veins or the fact I’m travelling again but I LOVED this trip and I’m already looking at booking more flights.
So from the bottom of my Guinness soaked heart Ireland, I love you and will want to continue seeing you, you beautiful beast xxx
P.S if i get more than 10 comments on this blog entry i will do a video on this entry using my god awful Irish accent…. and a ginger wig!!!
