So for now look at lonely planet books on Vietnam and insert an inane joke or innuendo part way through paragraph and you’re pretty much there, with my blog for my favourite place in SE Asia.
24.01.2014
Ok here’s my attempt, my memory isn’t quite what it is so trying to remember things from 5 months ago, so this is more of eye opener for me than it is for you.
Vietnam Hanoi
All I can say is WOW! The whole 5 days I was here I never thought of a place that has been shrouded in devastation and political warfare, could be so welcoming and beautiful.
I get off the plane and already accosted by a taxi driver however he took my bags, was gone for 10 mins. I was pretty much scared he’s taken my bags and forgotten I was a passenger or he’s made a new life with all my stuff which wouldn’t make any sense as he was tiny and was better dressed than I was anyway.
To my surprise, he came back and said he went to the toilet and passed me a bottle of water saying I’ll need it, how considerate of him. If he got it from the toilet how Vile…Who cares I’ve lost weight from drinking all this dodgy water might as well go for Wayans brothers in the 90s skinny look!
So it’s was a taxi that took 45 mins to my destination; Hanoi Backpackers Hostel (Thanks SAge for the tip) which was so handy as it was right in the middle of the city and near most of the museums, travel agents, the lake and other attractions. The hostel was basically what I imagine an Australian beach bar to look like but its infested with Europeans, who have been in flip flops for so long they’ve decided to cover their feet in bandages not actual shoes! (come on, common sense should have been packed when you started this journey).
Now in true traveller style I decided to explore the city and let’s just say I had a sharp reminder as to why I need to forget my UK street smart, as they don’t apply to this part of the world!
Let’s just say a quick 1 hour walk to gain my bearings turned into a 3 hour hike, so if you need to know where the police station, non-commercial markets and the motorway is, give me a ring I found them all!! This quickly turned into panic, as I didn’t charge my phone and I completely forgot the address, thankfully I pretty much walked backwards (in one street I literally had to do this). I noticed a group of white dudes I saw in the same area as the hostel and followed them. ERROR number 3 I ended up in a bar nowhere near the hostel but thankfully they pointed me in the right direction…… just another 45 minute hike to home!
After the “Hike” I had to have a drink and dinner at the hostel and for the cost of 6 GBP I got a 2 x beers and some of the best stir fry I’ve ever had in my life, good Zod I wanted to burst into the kitchen and make love the chef right there and then, oh it’s a woman, oh well I’m happy and full, I’m open minded, who cares?!
The night is looming and I’m feeling tired until I hear that it’s FREE SHOTS every hour on the hour from 7-midnight, let’s just assume I was a responsible adult and went to bed, for a minute….
Right minute over I clearly didn’t do that I last remember being surrounded by group of Brits talking about Man U, Rugby and awkwardly flirting with a woman that reminded me of the Appleton sisters (yes believe me its gets more bizarre after that). I even had an encounter with a guy that after I told him my “preference”, he went coy and eyed up the nearest drunken slut and after a massive fail, he came back to me and mentioned about him being Bi and grabbed my ass. I hope he enjoyed his hand shandy that night, while I spoke to the drunken slut and we had a great time laughing at him!
Right the next few days belong to Halong Bay so bust a groove to that section
Ok back readers, I spent the next day before heading back to Thailand again in my room trying to sort flights, doing this goddamn blog and refraining from being socialable.
Oops someone said the two words which make me weak at the knees “happy hour” I think I might be an alcoholic, I have a problem……. I RAN OUT OF ALCOHOL!!
So last night went out with a bang met some crazy people especially from Canada & Chile – you know who you are! All I can say and remember, is me in a bizarre hat sat on a child stall talking to a bunch of French and German people and giving my world views and despite how borderline racist it sounded I got loads of laughs, Drunk Marv Rocks! Next the stage……..
Oh well back to travelling, next stop is Thailand but I’m there for 24 hours not even that and I spent it in a hotel which tested my patience and my lungs, key word people afford any hotel in Thailand that says “GRAND”, that’s false advertising right there!
Peace out, see you in Sydney @:0) – thats me smiling with a mini afro or a hat with a rose in it!
Travel Tips
Take a charged phone and avoid thinking one street will lead to another!
Book Hanoi Backpackers Hostel. – http://www.hostelworld.com/hosteldetails.php/Hanoi-Backpackers-Hostel-Original/Hanoi/10991
Check out the lake it’s got a mini museum in the middle which you need to pay for but more info on link http://travel.yahoo.com/p-travelguide-2769651-hoan_kiem_lake_hanoi-i
Avoid this hotel in Thailand at all costs; sleep in the airport if you have to www.grandinncome-hotel.com/
Good place for ideas on what to do in Halong Bay – http://www.tripadvisor.com.au/Tourism-g293923-Halong_Bay_Quang_Ninh_Province-Vacations.html
Halong Bay, Halong Bay
Well I woke up with 30 mins to my bus leaving to go to the harbour which was a 4 hour drive to Halong for a lovely 2 day cruise, I ordered the biggest breakfast and basically stuffed whatever I could in-between two slices of toast to make a sandwich to stink the bus out with.
By this point I don’t care, I washed several times and even smell the Tequilla on me, believe me Tequilla doesn’t make you happy, as that stupid novelty sing from the 90s remarked!
The bus up there was sweaty, grim and thankfully I wasn’t the only person hungover to the point that they wish to jump in the sea just to wake themselves up, our tour guide was Vietnam’s answer to Charles Hawtrey. The awkward camp jokes were coming thick and fast but with me being the only fully English speaking person on the bus it seemed like a waste, I laughed when he forgot part of his script!
We arrive at halong bay, I forgot to mention its basically it’s a couple retreat and a few stragglers, I’m obviously one of the solo ones, when we get on the boat, we had to pick partners to sleep with. just like in primary school when picking football teams I came last but unlike primary school, I’m grateful no one wants me as I find out I actually have a room to myself, and push the two beds together to make a double bed (aka fort in the making)
Oh this trip are possibly the best looking Russian men and women I have ever seen however they rarely spoke to anyone else in the boat group and I’m pretty sure my paranoia was kicking in as I swear they were staring at me (or I was hoping they were). I did want to call one of the girls, “Skankovich” ,as she pretty much was in a tank top and shorts so small, you could lip read.
At the welcome drinks / lunch I fear for everyone on the table as CHICKEN WINGS are served, I actually prised a wing off someone’s plate “in error” as I was so hungry and missing Wings! It was a dead heat between me and one of the sexy Russian bears for “human garbage bin award”, as nice as he was I was hungry enough to mark my ground when it comes to poultry dishes.
Our first stop was the Halong Dragon caves which were ”interesting”, we basically walked around a cave with loud Americans saying “oh my GOD, this is HUGE but not a huge as <insert superior sounding stadium name> Mel, take a picture!” Also people were slipping all over the place from the water in the cave, and the guides not really advising people to watch out but secretly sniggering to themselves!
Next stop was the kayaking trip, where we went around the islands and feared for our lives as we dodged cruise liners and speed boats! Again primary school picking, I have to kayak by myself, but after looking at the girls and some guys trying to operate the boat and paddles it looks like I had the better deal again. the instructor even said I looked like a natural, (why thank you, Long Man Hee Suk or whatever your name is, SATIRE people, I’m not a racist!)
Now, here comes the interesting part, myself and 5 of the other guests sat on the boat after the evening meal and cornered ourselves from the Russians. However as weird as it sounds, the Russian guys invited each person over individually and gave us a shot of Vodka which they bought with them! After several hours of drinking and eliminating each guest, it was me and the 3 Rush Hunks left, where they quizzed me on my sexual preference and even asked me for English lessons (poor fools), I now have 2 hunks on my Skype whoop whoop! To make things even better I even managed to drink as much as they did and they had to call it quits at 3:30am……. WIMPS!!!
The Morning after was pretty much as wash out, I was almost sick on my bed fort, even skipped one of the beaches to lie down and watch futurama, while holding in my mix of chicken wings, fried eggs and vodka.
Overall I would say book this trip, especially if you are a 30 rock fan as you can go on the Lemon Cruise hehe!
There are other cruises but its basically party time as soon as you leave the hostel for 4 days, one girl told me that there was a bottle of JD on the table for Breakfast! Uh, hello, my liver needs a rest and I look 50, remove the JD and bring me bacon!
Top Tips
If you are vegetarian options don’t bother, you’ll basically get the same food as everyone else but with the meat removed, so chips and salad covered in lemon and meat juice for 2 days.
Lemon Cruises can be found here or at your hostel/travel agency – (http://www.bestpricevn.com/halongbaycruises/?gclid=CICj26i3kb0CFUchpQod308AzA)
Just general info on Halong Bay as well – (www.halongbay.info/)
