I still think that’s a strange expression, what liquid would you use to float your boat if water isn’t available? Coke?
Beer? Caramel milkshake? Mine right now would be Perionnaise, I’m desperate for a nandos.

Sorry back to blog!

As I left the last page so vague it’s going to come to light, be warned like a quadrilogy the third installment is normally quite messy and confusing, just like Scream 3 or Return of the Judi , I mean Jedi.

We start off with a reasonable set off, everyone seems quite relaxed yet pumped, we are coming to the best part of this trip, the ice cream of the sundae if you will. Expect a lot of food references as I’m writing this blog just before lunchtime.

As we leave Wanaka, my excitement for the next stop is too much to bare/bear for poor chicken Priya Priya. I know I should be hyped about Queenstown, skydives, water rafting but I think I take after my dad in the sense that we enjoy anything that’s intellectually stimulating and freaks your mind!
I don’t know what to say, know when you take a child to Disneyland for the first time and they are so excited that it’s cute for a bit, but before you know it you want to sedate them, that was me!!
The place only costs $15/$18 if you want a bacon sarnie/butty for northerners out there or you have the option to just sit around the cafe and do the free puzzles, I’m frothing at the mouth now!
There’s heaps of optical illusions, plasma spheres , things going up when they should be going down, a tilted floor room, a room that makes you look small and big, large freaky models and one of the first super mazes. It took ages to do but as I dragged chickenPP around it I told her that “it’s not cheating if no one sees you do it!” as we skip a section to find the last hut. I think I just peed excitement by this point.

After I come to from PW, we then drive over to kawarau where you can do a bungy or zip line, I have to say this now, I’m never doing a bungy (ok stop tutting) I’ve never seen the appeal of bouncing around, being upside down and screaming, I can do that for free in my bedroom. However zip line I would do, face forward I can dress in all black and do my Batman voice or turn the other way and kick my legs in the area and pretend I’m Liu Kang
from Mortal Kombat.
We did however have a little seminar at the bungy place on how it was constructed and where it’s been done, the highest, the weirdest etc, quite entertaining. We did however see a Bogan stag do where there got the stag in his pants and pretending to push him over for a bungy when it a paddling pool, oh such fun (nice ass).

Before we go any further we are going to have a little break, you may want to grab a glass and something to drink as I want to get you into the true spirit of the kiwi bus. That’s right people from now on, it’s a DRINKING GAME!! As basically that was what Queenstown was for a week (admittedly I had to have a few pit stops, you’ll see why….)

So here are the rules, for every word mentioned you need to drink the amount:

“leader” “peterpans” “Schmid”- one finger of drink
“fergburger” “Clunge” – two fingers of drink
“3man” – 3 fingers of drink
“epic” –4 fingers of drink
“tequilla suicide” – finish your drink/shot

If you get past the 2nd paragraph, you’re Irish, 3rd paragraph, you’re Russian and anything past 4th paragraph then you are a kiwi experience passenger and need to consult a doctor for a liver transplant.

AND GO….. (see lower section)

THE DRINKING GAME
Just another 30 minute drive and we are here, Queenstown, it’s nothing like I thought it would be from all the descriptions I got from my friends and kiwi residents, I was expecting something to resemble out inbetweeners where the streets are filled with drunken thugs and Clunge. If Wanaka is the postcard town then Queenstown is the TV commercial you need to use to get people into this country, it’s fantastic, but as. The birds of a feather girls would say “it’s epic”.

As we get to lake Wakatipu, I just couldn’t believe my eyes, it’s like they got a skiing village, Cotswolds, all the best bits of new Zealand and a scene from a Disney film in one city, holy Schmid, this place is crazysexycool.
We all unload from the bus to have the traditional kiwi experience bus group photo and I have to say its the perfect scenery for it but it feels like we are putting on false smiles as we’re cheating on the other guys from our original bus and Maa…..NNNNOOOOOO! We’re with the wrong bus driver, shall we call him, leader! (you still awake? Cool wait until 3man and peterpans is mentioned, oh oops did I type that, sorry, oh Schmid!)

Now here’s where I think you really need to take note, we get to Nomads Queenstown
(http://nomadsworld.com/hostels/new-zealand/nomads-queenstown) and Jinkies!! It’s amazing, don’t even bother booking any other hostels, this
place is a god send. It’s a cosmopolitan answer to hostel with a hotel twist with a dash of jazz lounge/art house.
After the masses pick up their chins from the floor, check in and wander around in amazement of the chicness of the place. There’s a TV room, That is more like a cinema, yes even bridesmaids was playing here at one point, grrrrr. You get great view from some rooms, our first few nights were in a room with dual balcony which we shared with the girls. There’s a free Sauna and you even get a free evening meal which is more like a starter before you go for your noodles or FERGBURGER (we’ll touch on this later)
We eventually leave the epic place and for once as my “unofficial” leader isn’t in control, we’re not on the bus, I didn’t feel need to guide or answer people thankfully, we go around the town and I instantly spot peterpans which is a travel company that’s based in OZ and NZ. Now I don’t know what to say, I’m normally a quiet and reserved soul (who laughed then?!) I’ve turned from team leader to bus driver. As soon as I enter the building I’m pounced on by one of the people I met in Auckland peterpans. After they pitched to me (while I was rolling my eyes) I told them about the bus, I think the dollar signs rolled onto their eyes. After a bit of chocolate delboy wheeling and dealing, I managed to strike a deal to get xx amount of people in and I get free stuff, I do loves good incentive and free Schmid!

There is literally loads to do here in QT, I can’t even go through half the stuff you could on here so in true lazy blogger style I’m going to introduce you to www.bookme.co.nz just to give you an idea of what you can do, at low low prices. Now say that last bit in a Turkish voice (I give you good price).

Well, epic night one of eight “come on luv, get your white slingbacks on, we’re going out”, we find ourselves at the Find, a popular bar/club which you’ll see, I’ll gradually grow to hate.
They serve teapots of cocktails which are meant to be shared with etiquette, being the dysfunctional rabble that we are, drinking from a teapot is done from a height with intention to kill the receiver with a fountain of long island iced tea, BLEURGH!
At some point during the night, our George Clooney lookalike turns to me and says the two words I hate to hear but can’t ignore, (And you’re gonna hate in a second) “tequila suicide”! For those who don’t know what this is, tequila suicide (come on, down that drink
you just poured) is when you snort the salt, drink the tequila and squirt the lemon in your eye! Why I did this I have no idea but when George Clooney tells you what to do, you do it!!!

Interlude – hello reader, are you coherent still? Oh good I won’t call the medics then. MAN UP! (WOMAN or THEM UP)

And good morning hangover, seriously I feel like Schmid, team leader down although I have a very clear left nostril!
As we all try to decide what to do, I decline a bike ride round the town and go for a walk to clear my head, save cash and avoid any chance of me tumbling from a tandem bike after a tequila influenced hangover!
You don’t really need a bike ride to see the town but it’s helps, just walk along the lake, into the Queenstown parks and it’s another photographers’ wet dream. By far the best city in NZ.

As the afternoon looms we decide to do another luge, with my deal with
peterpans in full swing, my leadership skills seem to be in full force, dragging several recovering travellers with me for the luge. Managed to get loads of deals and free drinks for everyone 🙂 The luge in Queenstown is impressive for the view of the town from the top and the gondola but the course compared to the Rotorua one is a bit crap but still fun
especially for the airtime. “It’s ah mario kart, woo hoo!” It was all great fun but unfortunately the team crash dummy, (elbow Sarah) didn’t like it as I heard her screams for the beginners course, aww bless!

So another epic night follows as all the original crew arrive, so let the reunion begin, 3man is flowing, Schmid is getting crazy and I’m pretty sure we’ve drunken our ways out of our hangovers. Damn those find teapots. Oh a slight sniffle, I’ll ignore it for now!

The following day, I have no idea what we did but all I remember is having my first fergburger. I have no way of describing how good this burger is but the only words to describe it is “gorgeous” “good Schmid” and “EPIC” (you seeing double yet?). Seriously look it up and start drooling (http://www.fergburger.com/).
This night was the night of the infamous pub crawl ($15 with the hostel), in true fashion I went for pre-drinks with exemple. I think before we started I had a slight turn and sniffle came back again, age and wisdom started to catch up with me! At some point I realised I’m not a youth, I’m not Tinie Tempah and I don’t have heaps of cash, part way through the pub
crawl, I snuck out and used my free coupons from peterpans and chilled out and then went to the coolest place I’ve been to.

Zero degrees, my first ever ice bar and it’s amazing everything is made of ice, I know there’s one in London but the novelty of having a drink in one of the best places on earth made it worth while. Got chatting to the barmaid and had a good chat. Although we had the uncomfortable time of when she thought I was chatting her up and thought I had a girlfriend……oh dear!

Had a very nice cocktail and the glasses were made of ice but YOU CAN SMASH THE GLASSES! Hello deep rooted Greek feelings (note Greeks only smash plates to entertain tourists, however no wonder they are in financial ruin if they love breaking things and retiring at the age of 55)
Back to the pub crawl, ladies and gentleman; being the most sober person at a pub crawl is the weirdest thing ever. There’s drinks being split, people kissing random people (different and same sex), nudity and dodgy dance moves. However it was quite fun watching the guys do a pole dancing competition, I got involved and grinded on one of the one direction boys’ head! Just think when you are out and getting wrecked and there’s
that miserable looking person staring disbelief, that was me. Even Dr Naive who hasn’t been drunk the whole time, was drunk, she’s had her 4 shandies, she’s good to go!

*UPDATE 07.06*

Also in Queenstown you have the option of doing the deep south, Milford sound, and Dunedin, again due to ATO being slower than two legged horse (if it has two legs won’t that be glue, Tesco/ dog food now!?….too soon) team leader opts out of everything.
The guys attempt to go to Dunedin first time round however due to trying to hire a van the day before, being so hungover after the pub crawl, that the only person who could drive would be me (I have no licence). Dunedin is new Zealand’s famous student town with the world’s steepest hill “Alec” Baldwin Street, I’ve been to some many fresher weeks and walked up Reading’s Pierces Hill, I don’t need to bother with this trip. You can also go to the cadburys world here, where they make a sad imitation of the British version……What a lot of old Schmid…..PASS!

The deep south from what I’ve heard is impressively grand especially summer/autumn time however it’s not operated directly by kiwiexp and the experience is not as much fun, actually it’s so bad, even Dr Naive used the word “twat” to describe the driver. (by the many arms of Vishnu, how rude!)
Milford Sound is the eighth wonder of the world, which I’ll see another time, believe me I’ll be coming back to this country VERY soon.

*END OF UPDATE*

It’s official we’ve been here like 3/4 days and I get bloody manflu symptoms, today is a day of rest and attempting to write this blog but with the amount of alcohol swimming in my system, I could barely re-write a spot the dog book. I do however have a little giggle at the aftermath of the pub crawl, even Schmid is out for the count.

Here’s a funny little thing, AdamF & Dr naive go to book their skydives with peterpans, Ummm the people in the office thought I was a bus driver and was organising this vodka infused goof troop! I think if this writing career falls flat on its face I’m going into travel sales, all I did was shout every ten minutes and flirt with the Clunge, this job would be easy!

Pit stop – so anyone who dared to do this drinking game, are you still alive? I should have put a health disclaimer at the start but you’re daring enough to do it, well done! TEQUILA SUICIDE!

Welcome back, I have to say this is the night where not only did I have the best night ever before I crashed and burned, it’s also the night where I know my maniac leader ways and general nuttiness has an affect of people!
Peterpans arranged another pub crawl (this one was free), again I spend most of my time screaming, laughing and reaping the rewards with free drinks. We had to several bars before we get to the find. In New Zealand the bouncers have this stupid policy of asking you how many drinks you have had, I’ve been asked this question loads of time and being the most sober person again (well I thought I was) I decided to answer sarcastically,
school boy error! ACCESS DENIED!

The other guys get wind of this after I managed to get loads of people, free drinks, discount excursions and get people moving, I think my hard work paid off. IrishCornwall and a few others went into the find, grabbed everybody and walked out of the find! WINNING!
As I can never really let anything go, I turn into ballsy Brown bear, I walk up to the bouncer and just say “well this is what happens when you don’t let me in, I’ve just taken 25 rich people out of your club, you just lost this place loads of money, and don’t worry I’ll be telling your manager about this, have a good night!”

Obnoxious Bloated Bouncer 0 – Brown Bear 1 (25) As everyone cheered me on, the team song of “Michael Van Gerwen” was changed to “Marvin Van Gerwen” and I’ve never had such a smile on my face. Thanks Guys I unconditionally love you, Team Leader, Peace Out!

The rest of the night involved more drunken antics, random snogging and me and crazy Dutch having to walk PETE home in his drunken state.

The next few days involved me wallowing in self pity, tissues and fergburgers, I even missed a few “epic” nights especially the last night where everyone dressed up in crazy clothes. Believe this word “epic” just gets thrown in every 30 mins with this crew , you’ll hear a lot of “oh it’s gonna be epic tonight you got to come” or “but it’s xxxx
last night here” reader it’s never someone’s last night when you go travelling in some freaky way you’ll see them again within a fortnight in NZ.
If it involved food and anything less than a 5 min walk, that was my activity for the day.

TEQUILA SUICIDE – END OF GAME!

You still have all your possessions and liver intact?

Queenstown, you made me and broke me within 7 days, I love you!

There’s more stories and photos to follow this section so keep your eyes peeled……

Just like the Scream Quadrilogy, The fourth movie is just a slight let down and makes you appreciate the first 3,now follow me to the next section…….to Christchurch!