So the following morning in Westport, the icicle surfers head off to one of the beach with the staff from the Bazil hostel, I swear one of the instructors looked like Jason statham (mini drool). The rest of us then went on to walk cape foulwind where there was again more spectacular views of more sea, cliffs, a chance to pet a horse and this is the best bit…… A seal colony (largest in NZ) in tauranga bay!!! Quick, someone fetch me a club…..I see a poacher I want to beat up!

After picking up the surfers at the end of our walk and try to pick a hot chocolate that the driver told us about but all we found toilets that not even George Michael would use in a drunken, drug fuelled desperation for looking for “faith” while singing “Too funky” (i have loads of these jokes on standby.
Moving on, we make several other stops that include greymouth , Truman track and something else, again the spirit of Maa is writing this part of the blog. It advisory you get as much you can here in terms of food as everything is stupidly expensive from here till, well to be honest, everything is expensive here but this is the “cheapest stop”.

Fun fact time – there’s only 30,000 people on the west coast of the south island, the 85,000 sheep are slowly plotting their revenge. Never watch “Black Sleep” if you want a normal life after this.

Oh and we’re here, after 435 Kms of winding roads to make even Jensen button sick, we’re here in Franz Josef, however exciting news, we’ve heard the bus ahead of us was stopped in its tracks to Wanaka due to a landslide, so we get a mini reunion with the some of the original crew and MA! (if you don’t know who this is, go read Mr Men, this is too advance for you)
We arrive in the lodges of Rainforest Backpackers, Franz Josef, we are quickly huddled into The bar….for rules and payment, well that was deceptive! The main guy gives us a speech about the rules and sit while a woman brings out two drinks, whatever the question was going to be next very one instantly puts their hands up, he quickly calms the main
alcoholics in the group. (one of them being a girl who was nicknamed Crazy Frog for her mad eyes, goggles and bobble hat). We are then introduced to Donkey, a tall stupidly good looking, big handed guy who told us about something or yeah, words , things…. What was I saying again!
After leaving that place where Donkey was, we were in our rooms, within 5 mins were filled with bags, within 10 mins dirty and 30 mins unlivable. But I notice something when walking to the reception on the hunt for donkey, uh I mean the wifi code. IT’S THE ORIGINAL BUS!
Great Scott (“actually I’m Irish”, sorry silly joke from the joker off the Batman cartoon) it’s like a war drama where the soldiers come back or a models and fashion designers at the end of a runway. It’s unnecessarily emotional considering it’s only been 6 days since we saw them but it’s intense on this bus, in normal living being timing it’s the equivalent of a
month.

There’s also something evil about this place, as someone stole my shoe, not both just one. Twats!
I’m not even going to bore with the drunken antics, as they will be lost on most readers here but there was more random shagging, the reintroduction of three man (drinking game) and the new catchphrase – SCHMID (just remove any rude word and replace it with Schmid and do a German accent and you got yourself a strange little insult).
After day one of the random fun where I again entertained the troops with my maniac old Skool dancing and got beaten by chicken Priya Priya at pool, who would have thought someone so skinny and sweet would be so good at pool or someone big and furry so bad at pool?!? As three man was played, no one was really in the mood to wake up although we woke to hangovers that we’re so bad we collectively pulled out of paintball which only 4
people actually joined in on. Laugh it was a game of 3 on 1, like a bad reenactment of predator, PETE run!

In Franz Josef, you can do the famous Ice glacier walks, helicopter ride, kayaking through the glaciers and more horse trekking! Again I look at everyone’s excited albeit hungover faces and my crypt from the dead bank balance and continue my sleep and playing with the fat ginger pussy in the kitchen (and the cat, collective “EEWWW, NASTY”)
After the paintball survivors come back, we are then visited by the guys we left in Kaitittytitty and surprisingly I haven brief hiatus from drinking, even the AA couldn’t stop this lot! However from the previous few nights, we eventually made friends with the bus we met in Picton.

Interlude – forgot to mention, The “new” people, ok well we are the new people actually since its their original bus, I had names for this lot as well:

• A&F boys
• Merseyside Mermaids
• Crazy Frog
• Wee Bed Hopper
• The tall leprechauns
• JoFro
• R&B girls

Follow me to the next section…