At the moment the only way to describe being on this coach is like being in an office job:

• You sit forward and gawp
• You are pleasantly surprised or disappointed from what is coming ahead, despite the person in charge giving you instructions, you just wasn’t listening…
• You eat excessively out of boredom and excitement
• Start question some people’s intelligence and common sense
• If its a FREE offer you are ready to go!
• You only really speak to people near you, (only if you are an extrovert, you go around your surroundings………… that would be everyone on the this bus for sure!)
• If you decide to be different in the group, you will be shot evils
• You start to question your sanity and choices
• You regret the following morning after the previous night’s antics (relates to the previous bullet point)
• You fancy people just for the sake of drumming up some drama in your life (coooeee)
• You become more vocal the longer you are with the same people
• Even the thought of you changing patterns is disturbing, you just can’t leave your comfort Zone
• You stay in the same clothes, if really hungover…..
• You wonder when your next pay day is!
• the term “fancy dress” means its an excuse to go buckwild in a crazy hat.
• The Thought of someone sitting in your seat makes you sick to your stomach!!
• Anyone new you scan them over like a barcode reader…and instantly dislkike or fancy!
• Did I mention excessive eating?

Any faithful followers of the blog (that’s the 12 confessed friends off FB & the infamous Smother ) I’m gonna mix this section up as per the below –

UPDATE 03.06.14

Before I get into the whole activity and “feelings” drool of this blog I’ll explain what the
situation of the bus, we’ve lost a few people due to people only doing the north island or
just staying behind/ahead in other places. I can kind of see why some people and the driver urges you to stay together you forge bonds with people and before you know it you’re split up and confused, or was that just me?!?

Cool, right you know the situation on the bus, despite that long winded description, I’m
having the time of my life, I’ve met a lot of cool people who I have a genuine laugh with
and have more eye candy than the playboy mansion.
As mentioned above I’m gonna have a little shake up I feel needs to be addressed as travelling with a range of misfits (not the empowered ones from c4 show) has prompted this section.

Also a little fact – cleaners, general handymen and strippers get up to $100k for working on the mines in Australia. Who cares about morals and dignity, strip for the fact you’ll be richer than your parents. PREPARE THE TASSLES!

VITAL SHIT TO TAKE ON LONG-ASS COACH JOURNEYS

for those who have done this, you’ll know what I mean, to the eager traveller handing over their “hard earned” cash for this tour you’ll need to read this.

ITEMS

(clothing, toiletries, passport are obviously vital, if you need me to tell you this stuff, you might want to re-do your GCSEs and move out of mummy and daddy’s for a while first)

• Speakers – you always need a party on and off the bus
• Really good tunes – no one wants to party on a bus with the vengaboys anymore! Colours of the wind from Pocahontas & Abba is fine
• Quick dry towel & Febreze – The reason I have these together is that you’ll be shuffled on a bus within a hour of your showering for the next destination and it’s going to be in yourbag smelling up the place. No one wants a musty towel with your “stains” hanging over seat 23b! Frebreze that sh*t, bitch!
• Packed lunch – when you are on a budget and you want your waistline to stay the same, pack this, otherwise “who ate all the pies” chant will be directed at you.
• No heavy reading or game material – even the sturdiest of travellers won’t concentrate well on the windy roads here. jeez someone get the Romans here to build the road
• Snacks and water – you’ll be on this on coach with no reading or game material, might as well get fat (unless you pack your lunch)
• Running and trekking shoes – to get rid of that Pringles and beer tummy you’ve developed
• 2 sets of headphones – believe when one ear goes, you have 2 weeks left until your earphones are no more than cable ties
• A pen – you sign a lot of stuff and it’s good to draw on fellow sleeping passengers
• 2 types of camera (digital and mobile) some picturesque scenes actually come up better on mobile than digital, surprisingly!
• Cheap and expensive sunglasses – if you want to be a flash git, expect your glasses to be crushed, stolen, misplaced, dropped in yoghurt, whatever! You’re clearly too rich if you have ray bans on a travelling tour!
• A sense of humour
• Condoms (and lube) – its not known as the f*ck truck for no reason (not that I would know, there’s the ghostbusters logo over my business)
• Trivial pursuit – I say no gaming stuff but this keeps the troops entertained for some reason, on iPad obviously, you don’t want TP wedges everywhere, while going around a 32degree corner drift! I swear this driver thinks he’s in NASCAR!
• Gloves – for the cold or mysophobics amongst you
• Swimming gear – you’ll visit a few lakes which you can’t resist to jump into, unless you are smart and seen the group of eels in the water!
• Plastic cutlery, condiments sachets and cup – hopefully this is with your pack lunch, otherwise it’s fingers, what are you? Native Northern Indian? Oh you are? Well I’ll be quiet!

So my eager bloggers, readers and travellers, let’s delve into the madness which was week 2, THE SOUTH ISLAND Picton to Westport!

After an early start, and unfortunately we’ve had to change drivers in Wellington, the lovely Maa has gone off with Exemple and the girls and we are left with captain combover. Judging from the rant he had with one of the girls, who was trying to load her stuff in the coach, I think were in for a different (crap) experience.

We are on the bus of pain for the ferry from Wellington and its amazing, you see the Marlborough sounds, cook strait, dolphins and if you are unlucky like I was, a kid being sick in the toilets…..YAY!

The ferry itselfs was quite grand, loads of floors, a cinema, bars, restaurant and the lovely announcements from the kiwi crew about what’s happening on decks, remember this is NZ so “e”s in words are pronounced as “I”, a lot of giggling can be heard from our seats.
The ferry is apparently $60(check this on website) but we got it for $55 from Kiwi but you can buy the tickets there but no guarantee you’ll get the same bus when you arrive on the other side, so stick with your driver on this one!

After a 4 hour journey, we finally arrive on the south island and heading to Picton and Kaiteriteri (Kaitittytitty the way Maa said it, god I miss him).

As ever we are chucked off the coach for more, bush walks and trails, I’m going to be nuts here, I have no idea what half these walks are, I spend my time on the coach sleeping and in my hungover daze I forget to take a photo of the sign to remind myself…..oops! So anyone who is unfortunate to look through all my photos you have as much idea as I do, hey I was tired, give me a break!!
Anyway, after several walks and unnecessary toilet stops, we arrive in Kaiteriteri, which is meant to be like a beach town. uh it’s winter here, the magic is lost on me as I huddle around any girl with large boobs or a radiator for warmth!

Quick mention – this should be in week one but we were introduced to new people in Rotorua/ Taupo – Crazy Dutch, PetPat and Harry Potter and a couple of new mentalists!

Sensing the water theme on this page yet? (instagram maloweuk) – This is Queenstown 🙂

Now this is an omen that I knew things were going to get better because we stayed in the Kaiteri lodge and it’s a great place up I got told off in front of EVERYONE for sneaking pineapple, coconut and banana juice into the bar! I was going to say it was embarrassing but as ever I put a brave face on, I collect my non-alcoholic juice from the BARstard after eating my ice in the glass and head to my room to cry into my pillow! Thankfully this is
the worst thing to happen to me on this trip, I think….

Tonight was a really nice one as its. The first time the posse did a family dinner and today it was fajitas and good god, could we cook any more food? canteens in schools didn’t produce so much food. And somehow we’ve now become the thing that we hated about other travelers, we’ve become a cliquey, overpowering bunch who take over any room they are in, those poor other kitchen guests, I wonder if they just curled up in the laundry room
for peace and quiet?!

In Kaiteriteri, (every time I say that word, I always feel Im just gonna say Kentucky fried chicken) you can do a range of activities in this place, skydive, kayaking and water taxis.
I’ll be honest here don’t bother with the activities here, skydiving is better in Lake Taupo & Queenstown, kayaking in Rotorua & Franz Josef or near Queenstown and you’ll get a water taxi to nowhere here, MOVE ON.
After a late start (for once) we make our way to Westport via nelson lakes. You may have noticed I’ve skipped a lot of what actually happens on the bus, what people did and dates.
CONFESSION TIME (IM CATHOLIC TODAY), I’m sat here with the kiwi experience handbook and just trying to remember stuff from there (its not 31st May, the trip has ended)! When you meet this many great people, do so many random yet great activities and say the weirdest stuff ever, it’s hard to keep track of it all. Plus theres some stuff we did which I rather keep to myself (and blackmail people when times are hard).

Unfortunately we left behind most of the “boys” ,miss Manchester, crazy Dutch, PetPat and Harry Potter in Kentucky Fried Chicken… Damn it I said it!

It’s official now, I have my doubts about the south island, after the BARstard juice affair, the constant rain since we arrived in the south and the “funny but not so funny” new driver, all hope was lost.

However like something out of a Disney cartoon we came across a double
rainbow curtained lake, people we’ve arrived at Lake Nelson, it’s was just so settling and pretty, we couldn’t have timed it better. The lake water was green, there were ducks and eels and where there is water, there are crazy ass white dudes jumping Into the water.
Sorry readers did I mention it’s WINTER?!?. Unless its the beaches of the Caribbean/Australia, this chunky black booty is staying dry! This is isn’t the film stand by me, it’s more like Lady in the Water or Frozen.

So after loads of water-bombing and multiple camera shots, we head over to Westport however before we get there, I decide to put myself for a jet boat ride. Know when women say they have intuition or spiderman says “my spidey senses are tingling”, I have the same extrasensory power. I leave the coach and none of my original group go and same of the new girls get off with me, I know when I leave the group, bad things happen to me.
The guide from Buller adventures (www.adventuretours.co.nz) who seemed nice enough, got us kitted up and instantly I’m picked to wear the experimental new clothing which was basically a wet proof onesie which basically cut my crotch in two!

Right now I look like an uncomfortable Mc Hammer and yes did the rap and dance, DAMN MY EXTROVERT WAYS!
I want you to picture this, I’m here dressed as a slippery MC hammer, in the cold, slightly hungover and eyeing up the very used looking jet boat. My SpiderMarvy senses are going off like Big Ben bells but I’m so excited I’m going in a jet boat and jump onto in glee, almost slipping off the boat as I actually jumped. Now I’m going to give you readers more advice,
when getting into a jet boat, make sure you sit in the middle row, in the middle and next to the chunkier person you can find. Unfortunately I was the chunkier one as it was me and 8 girls (no surprise there), I sit in the middle but on the end of the seat, Marvy senses going wild here. Jet boat rides along a river are fun I have to say, the driver was literally all over
the place, chicaning through those rapids and turns like a pro. This is where it gets violent, they have this thing where they do a 360 turn, which goes left or right, for some reason the driver clearly thought the black man can take a few bruises, there was a lot of left turns I can tell you that.
In my row of seats there is 3 girls, all lovely and curvy but with one thing that doesn’t work in a non seatbelt based vehicle, large breast, the last left 360 turn, I got the full force of those 34DDs as I’m hurled from left to right end up bashing my elbow on the side and then being crushed by the meat mountains. We had to stop for a minute as I couldn’t move my
arm but as ever I put the brave face on and tell him to go (while crying inside).
After a few more deadly manoeuvres and more wobbly boobie turns we head back to the lodge to pay for the “experience”. Right I’m not sure how I do this but the lodge had a dog and after getting a cup of tea (oh how English) , it instantly runs up to me and sits on my lap, ignoring the others. I seriously have no idea why this happens every time, if there is a pet in any property you can guarantee it will find me straight away, I think I was a Disney princess in a previous lifetime. The same goes for kids and babies, but I just tell them to piss off.

Anyway we arrive at the next hostel in Westport, Bazil Hostel, I think it’s the only hostel in this small town but it feels like a home, the kitchen was like one you get in a cottage, with the utensils dangling from the ceiling, ready to be slapped in the face with a fish slice. The place is lovely and the staff were cool, one of the better places we have gone to. Again since we’ve become one big dysfunctional and slightly incestuous family, we decide to
make BANGERS AND MASH! Oh the sheer pant staining joy on my face. I feel like I’m at home in the 1950s, women in the kitchen and me with a beer in my hand, Aaahhhh! (We made so much mash I had it in a massive zipbag to finish off)

Time for a drink and a movie, unfortunately I disappointed people with having horrible bosses and not bridesmaids .
A running gag here, I didn’t really mention it in this blog or the north island one as its too painful to think about but for the past 2 weeks, some of the girls caught wind of the fact I had bridesmaids on my iPad. I love the film but after being with this lot I want to delete it!
Every single time I put it on, the people who requested it, FALL ASLEEP (Is anyone else thinking Rachel from friends “you fell asleep!?!?” when I said that?)

In Westport you can do the following activities, jet boating (bring bubble wrap), horse riding but it’s for experienced riders, quad biking and surfing. Again crazy ass white dudes pick surfing which starts at 7am, did I mention it’s WINTER!?

Moving on swiftly, back to the blog itself……in part 2 THE REVENGE

See you guys soon!!!!