As my friend Lady K said you can tell the difference between Australian and British Flies. Australian ones just ram into you like you need to move and the British ones bump into you, fly round and under their breath say “sorry” like it’s their fault!

Let’s get down to it, New Zealand, which sounds like someone was sneezing severely when saying the words “Blue Celling”. Yes I’m in the homeland of the All Blacks, Kiwis, Flight of the Conchords and Emperor in terms of sheep, making Wales a mere PA to a Duchess of our fluffy friends.

Fluffy Fun Fact – only 5 countries have more sheep than NZ – China, Australia, India, Iran and Sudan. NZ has around 40 million and at least 60% of them are better looking than the residents of Auckland! (i joke, 55%)

Before I start rambling on about Auckland (get yourself some Red Bull, Coffee, LSD, any stimulant for that section….) I’m going to say a quick word to Australia…… “I MISS YOU, DESPITE YOUR STUPID LIVING COSTS & IDIOT INFESTED SMALL TOWNS, WE HAD SOMETHING GOOD, DIDN’T WE?”

So Auckland, where do I Start? …Sorry excuse, me for a sec

Oh, hello Mr Tumbleweed, what are you doing here? ………Oh I see, that was the response from Australia, why is there only one of you? Oh, not that bothered to send more then one……. But I spent $120 in Messina!! 🙁

Let’s get this thing started, Auckland, the largest shitty of New Zealand and supposedly main place to go when coming to the north island. And like Canberra just ignore the large status and head to the other cities.

Wellington, Queenstown & Lake Taupo just aim for these areas, I only booked this as It’s part of the package booked by Mr “lookintomybeautifuleyesandhearmyhandsomevoiceignoreyourbudgetandideas” agent, wait a min I forgot we’re hash tagging all statements now thanks to another fad on FB so that’s

#Mrlookintomybeautifuleyesandhearmyhandsomevoiceignoreyourbudgetandideas” agent!!

Auckland for people that are resident or well-informed visitors of the UK is like Southampton but with the bad end of London’s Oxford Street glued on as a high street. Throw in a few high end retailers and people are none the wiser, they’ve been dealt a bad shopping experience. However if you go off the main road like most high streets, the side and parallel alternatives roads have some cool old school pubs, mini shopping arcades and retro shops. Each arcade has the following :

A coffee shop – which Is basically a digital age version of a library/meeting parlour.

Sushi House – where the fish didn’t succumb to fishing traps but probably died from suicide cos they had to shop in Auckland.

Beauty and Hair Salon – desperate clients come here in need of make up and regret it, especially with the pained look on their faces.

Massage Parlour – this is connected to the Salon and after your treatment you’ll be gagging for a happy ending to wash away your memories of the assistant drowning you in L’oreal.

A retro clothes store – its all the crap we’ve been putting in charity bins but marked up. A top your mum donated and priced at $40, which you buy back for the memories and with the revolving door of commercial fashion, it’s in vogue again!

You can also head to the worlds smallest riverside and harbour side entertainment zone, no offence Auckland, but the Oracle Shopping Centre in Reading has a fancier and bigger riverside and and 2 rib houses!! (I’ll expect a tumbleweed when I declare my love for this place in a month.)

For the travellers out there, the hostels here are numerous and spread out. The hostel I’m in is called The StatIon Backpackers (www.thestationbackpackers.co.nz/) and I’m not sure what to say but it’s a mixed bag. It’s part hostel, part art deco hotel, part boys club and part sixth form college lounge supplied with booze!

For a English Pub with Bavarian Beers, look no further…. well other than London and Germany
While writing this blog entry a drunk Kiwi came up to me and said I looked like Wyclef Jean from the Black Eyed Peas….. At least 2 things wrong with this statement, I’ll let you figure it out!

From what I’ve been told aim for the hostel near Mt Eden, it has a nice funky village, picturesque surroundings and it’s away from the slightly dull high street. Plus you can climb Mt Eden which I intend to do….. Watch this space! My lungs…. ACK!

As you may or may not have noticed this blog is a bit negative and here’s something to reveal, at some point a feeling will come over you that is basically like the feeling of the 90s teen which just screams “eh, whatever!!”

I’m not feeling inspired or motivated! All travellers will feel this at some point, you’re down on money, mentally and physically tired, you are emotionally drained and you’re pretty sure there’s something wrong for not being excited!

No one ever tells you this shit when you head out but you will be exhausted and bored of being constantly on the move and smelling like the last country you were in. Thankfully Oz was my last place, at least it wasn’t Hong Kong, Christ I’d be suicidal from the stench!

And at some time someone will say

“but you’re on an adventure of a lifetime, you should be happy!”

and at some point you will respond “PISS OFF!!”

After having stuff nicked, early planes, constant changing housing with the same shit you’ve been lugging around you will have a moment where you just think “someone needs to invent a teleporter so I can change all my clothes and listen to a different iPod for a week.”

Whinge over – as the famous Aaliyah once said “R.Kelly get your hands off me and just record my song” sorry I meant to say “pick yourself up, and try again.” Also thanks to YAK for cheering me on and putting me in my place, I mean the hostel I’m in!!!

Anyway signing out as I need to get a jumper, snuggy, something…. It’s 17 degrees and I’m freezing, I finally climatised AFTER leaving Oz! What a bitch!

Top Tips

For the only decent Internet place for travellers head to Peter pans, it’s the only travel agency for backpackers which even attempted to leave Australia. You just need to pay a $2 fee and you get loads of offers and deals and get cheaper rates on excursions and hostels (ACHEM….where’s my commission!?!) – www.peterpans.co.nz

Head to the hostels in Mt Eden for more scenic, less commercial living (will insert a recommendation here at a later date)

Use Auckland as a travel hub for the south and other islands (www.kiwiexperience.com)