Previously in this blog, I left you in NYC and after a shaky start I finally make my way to Toronto and ironically after years of saying I would never use them again I get……MEGABUS!
No matter where you are in the world, there will be a Megabus, followed by a group of disgruntled, achy and bewildered passengers. I know it’s cheap, but why do I do it to myself?! (psst Marv, it’s money for cocktail hour & COMICS)

As Tanya from the Lenny Henry show would say.. “I.DONT.THINK.SO!”

I swear our driver had PMS and a roast in the oven at the same time, we were proper whizzing down those bus lanes, it’s wouldn’t seem that bad but the driver was male, how he has PMS, I don’t know?! At one point at 1:30am, I repeat that 1:30am, the demon bus wanker decided to go full throttle over a speed bump, making me literally and figuratively jump out of my sleep, Even Michael Jordan has never jumped that high!

Anyhoo……. TORONO, here I am! Now, how to describe Torono, well it’s diet NYC, with elements of Seattle and Vancouver, it’s big, sophisticated and Canadian. The coach stop is right in the centre and quite handy for getting around town, especially the super trams which is $2 & Tube $3 a go, but to be honest the city centre is nicely compacted, so you can walk most places.
So recipe for a good hostel:

Heaps of Luxury bedding + 4 tablespoons of stylish common areas + a dash of charm + 2 cups of good looking cheeky staff – rinse any attitude = great hostel

And you definitely have it here at Clarence hostel (www.theclarencepark.com), probably one of the top “hostels pretending to be a hotel” places in Canada.
The main reception guy, was kind of like the love child of David Duchvony & Richard Gere (circa 1980s) minus the sleaze and monotone. I’m not sure what to say, but he started singing “you’re so beautiful” & “he was a friend of mine” and held my hand, obviously I react, cue shameless flirting, girly giggle and badly timed fart.

On that note, it’s official Canadians may actually be the one of the coolest and sexiest people around, so laid back that you want to lie them, on their back…..sorry smother!
I have to say I’m right near the financial district, and as the Australian ladies remark “let’s go the the dry cleaners, we’re gonna pick up a suit.” I wouldn’t get any work down in this city. Sorry this is all sexually charged, someone get the hose, oh no is that another innuendo?!

So there’s quite a bit to do in Toronto, however I’m nearing the end of my journey, so it’S not going to be a thrill seeker’s paradise reading the next few pages as I treated like an actual chill out holiday.
You can however look up The main things in Toronto to do are:

Shopping /Eating place (http://www.thebay.com)
Go up the CN tower (http://www.cntower.ca/intro.html)
See the aquarium (https://www.ripleyaquariums.com/canada/)
Visit Toronto zoo (http://www.torontozoo.com)
See the blue jays during the summer (http://toronto.bluejays.mlb.com/index.jsp?c_id=tor)
Ice Hockey The Maple Leafs (http://mapleleafs.nhl.com/)
Get a Ferry to Toronto islands (multiple onsite places)

Or head to Niagara falls, I would say either get greyhound or get a group of mates and hire a mini van as the official tour is $76 while the others will cost you $30-50 for a return. And as a bonus less chance of kids that you want to throw to the falls and reenact Superman II.

Since I’m spending my money on maple syrup and Winter Olympic merchandise, I’ve only really done the galleries, Royal Ontario Musuem, jazz bars and just taking in the sights. Sorry readers things have been a bit tame, it’s either drunken stupidity or my health and a red and white cap for Smother! For those who said “get drinking, never mind your smother, momma’s boy” be warned my mother is like Jean Grey, she will hear you telepathically and tear you apart if that cap is not in her possession!

( …..help me!)

My third day in Torono (I still refuse to use the T ), involves me doing a last minute morning shop (thanks YAK) and going to Niagara Falls, so hello greyhound (not megabus FFS) for the 5th time this trip; know what? If you type in Megabus into a iPad or apple device, the recommended autocorrect word is actually megabits, hehe! Cheeky!
Well, 2 hours later and here I am, niagara falls, and what a mixed beauty.

You’re probably wondering why I’ve used the word “mixed”, well the waterfall/river itself is just a natural marvel, strong yet quiet, colourful and tranquil. Then there’s the Canadian version of Blackpool bolted onto it. It’s bizarre you have this beautiful setting and then you have this, tacky commercial town eclipsing it.

This is has turned into a seaside town, there’s loads of gondola rides, boat rides, guided walks, helicopter rides and a long walk way so you can enjoy the view, if you have time try and do the NY and Toronto side if you can as you get great photo opps that way.
I did actually avoid falling in, but I can see the funny yet racist headline now:

Now for tacky town, there’s a dinosaur mini golf game that looks like something out of the Rugrats, heaps of overpriced restaurants, well decorated gardens, big wheel, fairground rides and haunted houses. However this may be the best part the wax museum, they had
3 examples outside:

Katy Perry but looked like Shelley Duvall from the shining in a whipped cream version of the wonder woman costume

Johnny Depp as Captain Jack but somehow looked more like a drag act, LAST PLACE IN RUPAUL DRAG ACT

Jennifer Lawrence as Katiness but looked more like a pissed off Michelle Rodriguez/ Lara Croft Hybrid with arrows, no bow!

Couldn’t get photos of them as there were too many goons in the way with their kids (sarcastic yay to summer holidays).

I need to mention one thing that I have to celebrate US and Canada for ….. the pushy OTT mom.

Good god every other woman in a group of people was ordering around a man with a very oversized phallic shaped camera (compensation anyone?!) and the wives shouting things like

“honey, no you’re not using it right” or “no, she needs to stop having candy or she won’t sleep” or “WE’RE BEHIND SCHEDULE JOE, MOVE IT”

if there’s any way of advertising condoms or sterilisation, it’s to show these women and kids in action! Dance Moms watch out!

So after this wet and wacky day, it’s going to be chill out time before my flight home, YES I’m coming home, so I’ll say thank you for following this blog and thanks for any likes or comments. Hopefully you found this entertaining, informative and as melodramatic as the writer.
I’m currently at a friend’s family home and if you ever go travelling, make friends with anyone who is your last stop (if the host family are reading this, I’m joking, you’re cool as f***, I know, no swearing in the house!)

I will be keeping this site open for possibly another year’ but updates occasionally, besides there might be a possible future travelling opportunities soon 🙂

Thanks for Reading xx